A Mother's Side of Suicide



"It hurts like hell. Every heart knows its bitterness. My two friends followed me when I got the call. When I entered the hospital, the doctor said, ‘Your son committed suicide.’ At first, I didn’t cry. I was shocked. I said I didn’t want to see anything or hear anything. I was angry. I was mad. That son of a B…. It’s selfish that he didn't think how it would affect me. How could somebody be so selfish? Then I met another friend who said one of the nurses told her ‘some loony jumped from the fourth floor of the hospital's parking lot.’ That’s my son, I said. 

"When the Chaplain said I should collect his personal belongings and a guy said, ‘Sorry.” That’s when it hit me. I started to cry. It’s something I have to live with for the rest of my life. I feel sad sometimes. I relive everything when his birthday comes each year. I relive the pain of giving birth to him. I say, Robert, where are you? How could you do this to your family and friends? 

"The crying decreases with time. I don’t cry as much anymore, but sporadically I cry. I cry on Sundays when I go to church. It’s not as bad now. The Sunday night he shaved. He looked so good. He had this glow and I said, you should look like this all the time. Monday morning he said he couldn’t sleep. He called 911 and they took him to the hospital. He wanted stronger medication to sleep and they didn’t give it to him. He must have felt that nobody cared. Some people do it intentionally, you know. I ask God to forgive him. Nobody thought Robert would commit suicide."

(This is a mother's side to Suicide - an interview.  The pain is real. Talk to someone if you ever feel really sad.)

38 comments:

  1. I think for a mother it is the worst thing could happen..dont know why many young people commit suicide..I think there is a deep feeling of loneliness that no one could understand. Kisses Peaches xo

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    1. See the next story. Hope you had a happy Valentine's Day.

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  2. How desperate that boy must have been. And how desperately unhappy his mother must be. It’s unbearable to lose a child but losing a child to suicide is so much worse.

    There’s little else anybody can say.

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    1. You got it right, Friko. He was desperate and the mother still grieves.

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  3. Watched someone go through it, not pretty for anyone.

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  4. I wish I had words that expressed the sadness I feel after reading this. It is something that no mother should have to bear. My heart aches her.

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  5. I can't imagine the pain and all of the conflicting emotions a mother would feel in this situation. I hope I never have to experience anything like it.

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    1. Yes, that is the reason she feels angry sometimes, then sad, then the pain.

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  6. My heart goes out to her...what a horrible pain to experience.

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  7. My heart goes out to her...what a horrible pain to experience.

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  8. Heartbreaking! My heart really goes out to her. When hub was in the military, he worked with the father -- and I was friends with the mother. Long story short: the mother inherited millions. Overnight, the couple went from middle class to wealthy. Their son, who was learning to drive, wanted a Mercedes. The parents refused for obvious reasons. But the son dug in with continued refusals. So, one Sunday morning, after Paula awoke, she went into the family room and opened the curtains. Her son was hanging from a tree in the back year. She suffered a complete breakdown. The father couldn't function and left the military. To this day, they live in the same house, afraid to leave Brian's memory.

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    1. My gosh, Kittie, that is so sad. The mother suffered from shock. Thanks for sharing.

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  9. Parents should never outlive their kids and that's a horrible way to lose a child.

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    1. It's very hard when children die before their parents because parents do not anticipate such event.

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  10. She thinks of it as of selfishness? That's an egoistic view. She shouldn't think about what it did to her, but about what lead to it and whether there's her responsibility in it.

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    1. I don't think she really means that he's selfish. I think she is still shocked and she is still grieving. She provided the best for him.

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  11. I think the worst part would be wondering if you missed the signs, if there was something you could have done as a parent to prevent his act. So hard.

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    1. That's what she said. No one knew he would do it. He gave no impression. Or maybe she missed it.

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  12. I think this is the most difficult way to lose a child. Really devaststing.

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    1. Yes. It's always sad when a parent loses a child.

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  13. I couldn't even imagine the pain of having to deal with the suicide of your child. So painful! I just read about a suicide of a student in the town I used to live. I'm sure his mom is going through that pain right now.

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  14. I couldn't even imagine the pain of having to deal with the suicide of your child. So painful! I just read about a suicide of a student in the town I used to live. I'm sure his mom is going through that pain right now.

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  15. You've done a great job expressing the pain, Peaches. So glad you sent me an email in response to my blog post. You're a wonderful writer. You're now on my blog roll. Cheers, Ann

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  16. Oh gosh, as beautifully stated as this is, it's just devastating. I feel so terrible for anyone who has had to deal with that pain.

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    1. I feel terrible, especially interviewing the mother and hearing the pain in her voice.

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  17. A friend of mine committed suicide recently and the strongest feeling that came out of it was frustration that he didn't feel he could talk to us.

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    1. Michael, I hope you're dealing with your friend's death in healthy way. It's hard to lose a friend, child, or any other relative.

      Of course, you must feel some kind of frustration that he didn't reach out to you. Keep strong.

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  18. The pain of suicide affects so many people. Guilt is one of the biggies! What could I have done to stop this happening? No easy answers. Thanks for bringing this topic front and centre Peaches.

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    1. Maybe he wanted to escape his pain by doing what he did.

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  19. I've known several people who have lost children to suicide. I don't think a parent ever recovers completely. The pain and guilt are really terrible, but I also think of the young person who committed suicide and the pain he or she must have felt. A good piece of writing, Peaches!

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    1. I don't think they would be able to recover completely, either.

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These are our stories. Thank you for your kind comment and laugh as often as you can. Peaches D. Ledwidge, author of Day Laughs Night Cries: Fifteen